What to Do When You Suspect Abuse
Video Transcription
Hello, my name is Laurie Tucker. I am the author of What Odd Things I Thank You For: Discovering Grace in a Shattered Life, the story of my healing journey from childhood sexual abuse and torture.
Today, I’d like to talk to you about what to do when you suspect a child is being abused. It is true, that in these days, children have more opportunities to get help—they are told that their bodies are private, that it is okay to tell, that it is okay to ask an adult for help. This is a huge step forward in reducing the instance of trauma in a child’s life. Sometimes, though, these aren’t enough.
For many reasons, what is happening is often kept secret. From my own experience, I was threatened with death if I told. It wasn’t an idle threat, as a loaded rifle was always within hands-reach. I was also told that what was happening was my fault, and if I told anyone, the authorities would take me away from my family. Shame can keep a child from speaking. I instinctively knew what was happening was wrong. Even though I now know I had no choice, I still hold great shame about what I did during abuse. Sometimes the child is simply too young to have adequate words to describe what is happening.
How can you know a child needs help if he tells no one? There are signs to look for. I speak now from my own experience, not as a professional. With physical abuse, bruises, stiffness or reluctance to move, missing school frequently may be signs. Sexually abused, I was quiet, never wanting to be in the spotlight. But others might react on the opposite end of the spectrum—loud and aggressive behavior, trying to be noticed at all times.
I was a perfectionist. I would be deeply distressed if I didn’t do well on a test or if my room wasn’t clean or if I had not done what I thought would make my parents happy. Every decision, every move was carefully thought out and measured against the likelihood of success. I tried to please everyone.
I was easily emotional—often overly emotional for the situation. Movies with loving families and stories of animals would make me sob. Movies with scary scenes would keep me awake all night. Other children may not have strong emotions as I did, displaying little emotion.
Some abused children have somatic issues—headaches, chronic stomach aches, or other body pain. I had what my family termed “a nervous stomach.” I also began to sleepwalk. Some children don’t like to be touched or flinch if they are touched. Any changes from normal behavior can be flags.
These are possible indicators of abuse. So, what can you do if you see some of these signs in a child? First, try to create a calm, loving environment for the child. Be willing to listen—and do listen—but do not push the child to talk. He will have to understand you can be trusted before he speaks, and that trust comes slowly. Be watchful—is what you are seeing a pattern or a new behavior in his life? If you can share a story when you were scared and an adult helped you, do so.
If you see only one of these signs, watch and listen. If you see multiple signs, report. Contacting a teacher, who is required by law to report, may be the way to go. Contacting agencies dedicated to child welfare to let them know what you are observing is good. Be willing to support the child as she gets the help she needs. Let the child know you care. I can tell you from experience how much a small act of kindness means to a child in danger.
But please, do something. Don’t sit and wonder, don’t assume someone else will alert officials. Our children are counting on us to help.
Today, I’d like to talk to you about what to do when you suspect a child is being abused. It is true, that in these days, children have more opportunities to get help—they are told that their bodies are private, that it is okay to tell, that it is okay to ask an adult for help. This is a huge step forward in reducing the instance of trauma in a child’s life. Sometimes, though, these aren’t enough.
For many reasons, what is happening is often kept secret. From my own experience, I was threatened with death if I told. It wasn’t an idle threat, as a loaded rifle was always within hands-reach. I was also told that what was happening was my fault, and if I told anyone, the authorities would take me away from my family. Shame can keep a child from speaking. I instinctively knew what was happening was wrong. Even though I now know I had no choice, I still hold great shame about what I did during abuse. Sometimes the child is simply too young to have adequate words to describe what is happening.
How can you know a child needs help if he tells no one? There are signs to look for. I speak now from my own experience, not as a professional. With physical abuse, bruises, stiffness or reluctance to move, missing school frequently may be signs. Sexually abused, I was quiet, never wanting to be in the spotlight. But others might react on the opposite end of the spectrum—loud and aggressive behavior, trying to be noticed at all times.
I was a perfectionist. I would be deeply distressed if I didn’t do well on a test or if my room wasn’t clean or if I had not done what I thought would make my parents happy. Every decision, every move was carefully thought out and measured against the likelihood of success. I tried to please everyone.
I was easily emotional—often overly emotional for the situation. Movies with loving families and stories of animals would make me sob. Movies with scary scenes would keep me awake all night. Other children may not have strong emotions as I did, displaying little emotion.
Some abused children have somatic issues—headaches, chronic stomach aches, or other body pain. I had what my family termed “a nervous stomach.” I also began to sleepwalk. Some children don’t like to be touched or flinch if they are touched. Any changes from normal behavior can be flags.
These are possible indicators of abuse. So, what can you do if you see some of these signs in a child? First, try to create a calm, loving environment for the child. Be willing to listen—and do listen—but do not push the child to talk. He will have to understand you can be trusted before he speaks, and that trust comes slowly. Be watchful—is what you are seeing a pattern or a new behavior in his life? If you can share a story when you were scared and an adult helped you, do so.
If you see only one of these signs, watch and listen. If you see multiple signs, report. Contacting a teacher, who is required by law to report, may be the way to go. Contacting agencies dedicated to child welfare to let them know what you are observing is good. Be willing to support the child as she gets the help she needs. Let the child know you care. I can tell you from experience how much a small act of kindness means to a child in danger.
But please, do something. Don’t sit and wonder, don’t assume someone else will alert officials. Our children are counting on us to help.