Living with, and Loving an Abuse Survivor
Parts 1 & 2, with Chuck Tucker
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Video #7 of 12-Part Series
Video Transcription
Living with, and Loving an Abuse Survivor: Part 1
Laurie:
Survivors can find lots of help as they walk their healing paths. But there are those, often unseen and underappreciated, who walk our healing paths with us. Who are these people—cherished partners, beloved family members, loving friends—those who remain steadfast in the face of the challenges our traumas present. They remain committed throughout the journey, through our pain, grief, and anger even as they struggle with their own pain, grief, and anger.
Chuck has agreed to share with you his experience as he accompanies me on this healing journey, as he struggles with the strictures my trauma places on our life together. Through hard work he has gleaned some dos and don’ts that help us as we live the life of an abused couple. I am grateful that he will share these with you.
Before I turn over the mike, I would like to say to Chuck--thank you, my love, for your kindness, gentleness, integrity, and steadfastness that has kept you by my side in hard times, even as others encouraged you to leave. Thank you for believing that our life, now diminished because of my trauma, is a life worth living. Such love amazes and humbles me.
Chuck:
Hi. I’m Chuck and I want to share with you some things I’ve learned about how to live with, love, and support someone who survived sexual abuse. I’ll use female pronouns for my survivor, knowing that your survivor could be male. Here goes.
First, a survivor’s need to deal with her history comes when it comes—possibly many years after the abuse.
Laurie was abused regularly from age 3 to 21, but we had been married 20 years, and had two children, before she first told me anything about that. It was another 6 years before she sought out a therapist and started actively on the healing path.
Second, the survivor is not making this up, not being overly dramatic, not seeking attention.
When people have been deeply traumatized, the fight-or-flight portion of their nervous system gets overloaded. Afterwards, that system becomes overly sensitive. It can easily kick in when it doesn’t need to, go immediately to emergency status, and stay there a long time. This is one of the main effects of PTSD, and it can be tough on everyone.
Survivors don’t like living with this, but their bodies hold the memory of the abuse and it affects them, even when they don’t want it to. Have some patience with that.
Third, one of the best things you can do is “accompany” your loved one.
Be ready to listen to her, to be sympathetic, and to be supportive. Do all you can to create a safe environment for your survivor, and to reassure her of your support.
I don’t remember struggling to believe what Laurie told me about the abuse she had suffered, though some people do. But I certainly didn’t want those things to have happened to her. If what your loved on tells you seems far-fetched or exaggerated, hold off on telling her she must be wrong, and double-check your own feelings. Are you truly doubting your loved one’s truthfulness, or are looking for a way that this horrible thing you just heard can go away? It takes a great deal of courage for someone who has survived sexual abuse to tell about it, especially to a person they love. Treat that telling with respect.
Also, don’t minimize the impact of her history by saying, “Oh, but it was just a few times, right?” or “But you are OK now, aren’t you?” From Laurie’s experience, those responses are unhelpful at best, and they can be very hurtful. A better first response is something like, “That’s terrible! I’m so sorry.”
Fourth (and this one was big for me): You cannot “fix” her.
I’m a person who sees the world as a set of problems to be solved. That helps me as an engineer, but it doesn’t help me in living with Laurie’s history. It took me a lot of work, and much help from my therapist, to understand that there were no magical words I could say, no special gesture I could make, no gift I could give that would heal Laurie’s wounds. She has had to do that work herself. What I can do is make sure she doesn’t have to do that work alone.
I have a few more thoughts to offer, and I’ll share them in Part 2. There’s a link to that video in the description below.
If your loved one suffered abuse, my heart goes out to both of you. There is much in your lives that I wish you didn’t have to bear. And, if you approach your life with openness and a desire to understand what your loved one is going through, that will help you both. Be patient, be open, and hang in there. You are not alone.
Until next time, blessings for the journey.
Survivors can find lots of help as they walk their healing paths. But there are those, often unseen and underappreciated, who walk our healing paths with us. Who are these people—cherished partners, beloved family members, loving friends—those who remain steadfast in the face of the challenges our traumas present. They remain committed throughout the journey, through our pain, grief, and anger even as they struggle with their own pain, grief, and anger.
Chuck has agreed to share with you his experience as he accompanies me on this healing journey, as he struggles with the strictures my trauma places on our life together. Through hard work he has gleaned some dos and don’ts that help us as we live the life of an abused couple. I am grateful that he will share these with you.
Before I turn over the mike, I would like to say to Chuck--thank you, my love, for your kindness, gentleness, integrity, and steadfastness that has kept you by my side in hard times, even as others encouraged you to leave. Thank you for believing that our life, now diminished because of my trauma, is a life worth living. Such love amazes and humbles me.
Chuck:
Hi. I’m Chuck and I want to share with you some things I’ve learned about how to live with, love, and support someone who survived sexual abuse. I’ll use female pronouns for my survivor, knowing that your survivor could be male. Here goes.
First, a survivor’s need to deal with her history comes when it comes—possibly many years after the abuse.
Laurie was abused regularly from age 3 to 21, but we had been married 20 years, and had two children, before she first told me anything about that. It was another 6 years before she sought out a therapist and started actively on the healing path.
Second, the survivor is not making this up, not being overly dramatic, not seeking attention.
When people have been deeply traumatized, the fight-or-flight portion of their nervous system gets overloaded. Afterwards, that system becomes overly sensitive. It can easily kick in when it doesn’t need to, go immediately to emergency status, and stay there a long time. This is one of the main effects of PTSD, and it can be tough on everyone.
Survivors don’t like living with this, but their bodies hold the memory of the abuse and it affects them, even when they don’t want it to. Have some patience with that.
Third, one of the best things you can do is “accompany” your loved one.
Be ready to listen to her, to be sympathetic, and to be supportive. Do all you can to create a safe environment for your survivor, and to reassure her of your support.
I don’t remember struggling to believe what Laurie told me about the abuse she had suffered, though some people do. But I certainly didn’t want those things to have happened to her. If what your loved on tells you seems far-fetched or exaggerated, hold off on telling her she must be wrong, and double-check your own feelings. Are you truly doubting your loved one’s truthfulness, or are looking for a way that this horrible thing you just heard can go away? It takes a great deal of courage for someone who has survived sexual abuse to tell about it, especially to a person they love. Treat that telling with respect.
Also, don’t minimize the impact of her history by saying, “Oh, but it was just a few times, right?” or “But you are OK now, aren’t you?” From Laurie’s experience, those responses are unhelpful at best, and they can be very hurtful. A better first response is something like, “That’s terrible! I’m so sorry.”
Fourth (and this one was big for me): You cannot “fix” her.
I’m a person who sees the world as a set of problems to be solved. That helps me as an engineer, but it doesn’t help me in living with Laurie’s history. It took me a lot of work, and much help from my therapist, to understand that there were no magical words I could say, no special gesture I could make, no gift I could give that would heal Laurie’s wounds. She has had to do that work herself. What I can do is make sure she doesn’t have to do that work alone.
I have a few more thoughts to offer, and I’ll share them in Part 2. There’s a link to that video in the description below.
If your loved one suffered abuse, my heart goes out to both of you. There is much in your lives that I wish you didn’t have to bear. And, if you approach your life with openness and a desire to understand what your loved one is going through, that will help you both. Be patient, be open, and hang in there. You are not alone.
Until next time, blessings for the journey.
Video Transcription
Living with, and Loving an Abuse Survivor: Part 2
Laurie:
Surviving abuse and then walking a healing path is deeply challenging—and rewarding. As with a death or a cancer diagnosis, the focus is on the survivor, the one for whom the trauma is most impactful. It is easy to forget that those who love us, those who walk with us have an equally challenging time. These unsung heroes support us as we fight our battles. They, in turn, must fight their own battles to stay whole and healthy in the face of our challenges.
Today, my husband Chuck will continue to share his experience of walking with me as I heal. That he will do so is a sign of his courage, of his willingness to be vulnerable and open. For a guy who loves to fix things—and cannot fix me—to be willing to share what works and what doesn’t, is a true gift. I hope that hearing his story will help others who also journey with survivors toward healing.
Chuck:
Thank you Sweetheart.
Hello. I’m Chuck. In Part 1 of this video I shared some ideas of how to live with, and love, a survivor of sexual abuse. There’s a link to that video in the description below. Here are three more items to round out that list. Again, I’m using female pronouns, since “my” survivor is female, knowing that your survivor could be male.
The first item for today: Don’t ask her to do something she isn’t ready to do.
An abuse survivor’s fight-or-flight response is easily triggered—even by things that don’t bother most people. And when a survivor gets triggered, it may take hours or even days for her fight-or-flight system to dial down. You can help by not pushing her to do things that are likely to trigger her.
Loud music and noisy crowds can trigger Laurie, so we don’t go to rock concerts or loud bars. For me, that wasn’t hard. Understanding that airport and airplanes are bad for her, and coming to grips with the fact that we can’t make long trips together, has been much tougher. It helped me to realize that it’s not a vacation for her, or for me, if Laurie is struggling just to keep herself from screaminmg the whole time.
Some of your survivor’s triggers may ease over time, as she does the work of healing, and you may be able to go back to those activities. That’s good. Some triggers may stay in place a long time, and you will need to work on being OK with that.
Second, you will have your own healing work to do.
I’ve had to work hard to come to grips with what was done to Laurie, and with all the ways those evil acts have affected our lives. I initially thought I could do that work alone, but I finally sought professional help, and that was enormously useful. It is a powerful experience to talk regularly with someone who is wise, who has experience with similar situations, and who is totally devoted to helping you. Don’t be afraid to seek out a mental health professional.
Remember, too, that you have your own limits. You cannot help your loved one if you don’t get some of the things you need in your life. It helped me to be able to go to work, to a job that was very engaging, and also to take occasional weekends away to pursue my hobby. One of the things I’m still working on comes when Laurie and I talk about her healing work. I need to recognize when I’m close to the end of my ability to listen to her, and to say something like, “Could we talk about something else now, and come back to this later?” I want to help her, I want to be able to listen attentively—for any amount of time—and I have my limits. It’s better for us both if I can recognize when I’m getting close to my capacity and ask for a change of topic. That way, I never get to the point of ignoring her or respond angrily.
Third, pay attention to the things you and your loved one can both do and enjoy—and do those things a lot!
While there may be things you used to enjoy together that you can’t do now, take advantage of the opportunities for joy that you do have. Laurie and I love to sit on our back porch on pretty afternoons, drink some wine, and talk. We enjoy taking ballroom dancing lessons, and we are easing back in to doing more social dances. We love walking in nature, eating out at a quiet restaurant, and cuddling on the couch watching our favorite TV shows. All of these are good for both of us.
The work of healing is important, tough, and rewarding. It can be very engaging. And, most of us need to balance that work with play and fun. Whenever Laurie and I have managed to expand our repertoire of fun activities, we have found ourselves happier, and better able to face the challenges in our lives. Do the healing work you need to do, and don’t forget the fun.
That’s it for today. If your loved one suffered abuse, I feel for both of you. I wish you didn’t have to bear the hard things in your lives. And, from my experience, if you engage with your own healing work, you will learn some wonderful things and become a kinder, wiser, happier person. I hope those gifts come to you. Blessing for the journey.
Surviving abuse and then walking a healing path is deeply challenging—and rewarding. As with a death or a cancer diagnosis, the focus is on the survivor, the one for whom the trauma is most impactful. It is easy to forget that those who love us, those who walk with us have an equally challenging time. These unsung heroes support us as we fight our battles. They, in turn, must fight their own battles to stay whole and healthy in the face of our challenges.
Today, my husband Chuck will continue to share his experience of walking with me as I heal. That he will do so is a sign of his courage, of his willingness to be vulnerable and open. For a guy who loves to fix things—and cannot fix me—to be willing to share what works and what doesn’t, is a true gift. I hope that hearing his story will help others who also journey with survivors toward healing.
Chuck:
Thank you Sweetheart.
Hello. I’m Chuck. In Part 1 of this video I shared some ideas of how to live with, and love, a survivor of sexual abuse. There’s a link to that video in the description below. Here are three more items to round out that list. Again, I’m using female pronouns, since “my” survivor is female, knowing that your survivor could be male.
The first item for today: Don’t ask her to do something she isn’t ready to do.
An abuse survivor’s fight-or-flight response is easily triggered—even by things that don’t bother most people. And when a survivor gets triggered, it may take hours or even days for her fight-or-flight system to dial down. You can help by not pushing her to do things that are likely to trigger her.
Loud music and noisy crowds can trigger Laurie, so we don’t go to rock concerts or loud bars. For me, that wasn’t hard. Understanding that airport and airplanes are bad for her, and coming to grips with the fact that we can’t make long trips together, has been much tougher. It helped me to realize that it’s not a vacation for her, or for me, if Laurie is struggling just to keep herself from screaminmg the whole time.
Some of your survivor’s triggers may ease over time, as she does the work of healing, and you may be able to go back to those activities. That’s good. Some triggers may stay in place a long time, and you will need to work on being OK with that.
Second, you will have your own healing work to do.
I’ve had to work hard to come to grips with what was done to Laurie, and with all the ways those evil acts have affected our lives. I initially thought I could do that work alone, but I finally sought professional help, and that was enormously useful. It is a powerful experience to talk regularly with someone who is wise, who has experience with similar situations, and who is totally devoted to helping you. Don’t be afraid to seek out a mental health professional.
Remember, too, that you have your own limits. You cannot help your loved one if you don’t get some of the things you need in your life. It helped me to be able to go to work, to a job that was very engaging, and also to take occasional weekends away to pursue my hobby. One of the things I’m still working on comes when Laurie and I talk about her healing work. I need to recognize when I’m close to the end of my ability to listen to her, and to say something like, “Could we talk about something else now, and come back to this later?” I want to help her, I want to be able to listen attentively—for any amount of time—and I have my limits. It’s better for us both if I can recognize when I’m getting close to my capacity and ask for a change of topic. That way, I never get to the point of ignoring her or respond angrily.
Third, pay attention to the things you and your loved one can both do and enjoy—and do those things a lot!
While there may be things you used to enjoy together that you can’t do now, take advantage of the opportunities for joy that you do have. Laurie and I love to sit on our back porch on pretty afternoons, drink some wine, and talk. We enjoy taking ballroom dancing lessons, and we are easing back in to doing more social dances. We love walking in nature, eating out at a quiet restaurant, and cuddling on the couch watching our favorite TV shows. All of these are good for both of us.
The work of healing is important, tough, and rewarding. It can be very engaging. And, most of us need to balance that work with play and fun. Whenever Laurie and I have managed to expand our repertoire of fun activities, we have found ourselves happier, and better able to face the challenges in our lives. Do the healing work you need to do, and don’t forget the fun.
That’s it for today. If your loved one suffered abuse, I feel for both of you. I wish you didn’t have to bear the hard things in your lives. And, from my experience, if you engage with your own healing work, you will learn some wonderful things and become a kinder, wiser, happier person. I hope those gifts come to you. Blessing for the journey.