Forgiveness as An Abuse Survivor
Video Transcription
Hello, I’m Laurie Tucker, an abuse survivor and author of the book, What Odd Things I Thank You For: Discovering Grace in a Shattered Life.
The last topic in this video series is forgiveness—left for last because forgiveness is a topic that causes deep introspection and confusion for me. What does it mean to forgive three men who weekly sexually abused and tortured me? What does it mean to forgive a mother and grandmother who knew and did nothing to stop them? What does that look like? How does it happen?
I’ve talked with a lot of people, read a lot of books about forgiveness. No one has the same definition. Christian faith says we must forgive everyone; a minister went so far as to say forgiveness must include reconciliation. I respectfully disagree. My family might say forgiveness is returning to old harmful patterns and pretending nothing ever happened. Again, no. I left my family over that definition.
Others, whom I deeply respect say forgiveness is something you offer to help yourself. Whether it helps the wrong-doer is immaterial.
For me, there is no single act of forgiveness. It is not a one-and-done, nor even the seventy times seven that Jesus mandates. Forgiveness, as I know it, is a gradual releasing of the power of the past on the present. As I’ve healed, I have become more able to see the past as the past, not an extension into the present. I am more able to see and stop behavior patterns of the past that are destructive in the now.
Forgiveness is slowly beginning to see the person behind the monster; the wounded child behind the cruel adult. Forgiveness is finding a way to love that wounded child who recreated on another the harm done to him. Forgiveness does not mean excusing or dismissing what was done. It means holding in tension the actions of the adult with the wounded child within.
I am beginning to see the wounded child behind my mother, coming to see that she was broken long before I was born. She had no ability to help herself; she had no way to help me.
While I abhor my father’s actions and who he became, I can see that he, too, was abused as a child, that he did not have the strength to create a new paradigm as an adult. I see the wounded child he was.
While I struggle to have good feelings toward them, the young-child part of me loves my father and mother. I must honor her feelings, creating an equal place for the love she holds with the hate that I, the adult, feel. Forgiveness must include love and compassion toward my own wounded child. It also includes a desire to break the cycle of harm. I am doing that.
What I can say is, the slow steady work of removing the constant presence of my woundedness and fear, relegating them to the past, is creating a deep joy in my life. I still hurt sometimes, I still get angry, but more and more I am happy. Perhaps that is what forgiveness is: the ability to find joy in the face of great harm. If so, forgiveness is a gift I offer myself. I pray that my abusers might also find joy, that in spite of the harm they did to me, I wish that they may know happiness in the life of denial and pain they have created. That is the way I can forgive them.
I want to offer my thanks to all who have taken the time to watch these videos and have allowed me to share my thoughts on walking a healing journey. Even as some of you remain unknown to me, I think of all of you with love and compassion, carrying the hope in my heart that you may heal, that your soul may shine, and that your life may possess deep joy. Blessings for this day. I wish you a wonderful life.
The last topic in this video series is forgiveness—left for last because forgiveness is a topic that causes deep introspection and confusion for me. What does it mean to forgive three men who weekly sexually abused and tortured me? What does it mean to forgive a mother and grandmother who knew and did nothing to stop them? What does that look like? How does it happen?
I’ve talked with a lot of people, read a lot of books about forgiveness. No one has the same definition. Christian faith says we must forgive everyone; a minister went so far as to say forgiveness must include reconciliation. I respectfully disagree. My family might say forgiveness is returning to old harmful patterns and pretending nothing ever happened. Again, no. I left my family over that definition.
Others, whom I deeply respect say forgiveness is something you offer to help yourself. Whether it helps the wrong-doer is immaterial.
For me, there is no single act of forgiveness. It is not a one-and-done, nor even the seventy times seven that Jesus mandates. Forgiveness, as I know it, is a gradual releasing of the power of the past on the present. As I’ve healed, I have become more able to see the past as the past, not an extension into the present. I am more able to see and stop behavior patterns of the past that are destructive in the now.
Forgiveness is slowly beginning to see the person behind the monster; the wounded child behind the cruel adult. Forgiveness is finding a way to love that wounded child who recreated on another the harm done to him. Forgiveness does not mean excusing or dismissing what was done. It means holding in tension the actions of the adult with the wounded child within.
I am beginning to see the wounded child behind my mother, coming to see that she was broken long before I was born. She had no ability to help herself; she had no way to help me.
While I abhor my father’s actions and who he became, I can see that he, too, was abused as a child, that he did not have the strength to create a new paradigm as an adult. I see the wounded child he was.
While I struggle to have good feelings toward them, the young-child part of me loves my father and mother. I must honor her feelings, creating an equal place for the love she holds with the hate that I, the adult, feel. Forgiveness must include love and compassion toward my own wounded child. It also includes a desire to break the cycle of harm. I am doing that.
What I can say is, the slow steady work of removing the constant presence of my woundedness and fear, relegating them to the past, is creating a deep joy in my life. I still hurt sometimes, I still get angry, but more and more I am happy. Perhaps that is what forgiveness is: the ability to find joy in the face of great harm. If so, forgiveness is a gift I offer myself. I pray that my abusers might also find joy, that in spite of the harm they did to me, I wish that they may know happiness in the life of denial and pain they have created. That is the way I can forgive them.
I want to offer my thanks to all who have taken the time to watch these videos and have allowed me to share my thoughts on walking a healing journey. Even as some of you remain unknown to me, I think of all of you with love and compassion, carrying the hope in my heart that you may heal, that your soul may shine, and that your life may possess deep joy. Blessings for this day. I wish you a wonderful life.